So this Thanksgiving was really different than last year and it's something I've been thinking about a lot and want to reflect on. Just as a precursor, this is going to be a pretty personal post briefly discussing death and suicide.
So last year, my cousin Purple was alive. Last year, my ex-boyfriend Matt spent some time with my family on Thanksgiving. Last year, my cat Ambrose was still alive. Last year, I was a senior in high school and still living at home. This year, all of that was different.
I am still working through a lot of pain associated with the loss of Purple, who committed suicide in April. I still don't think I know the full extent of what I'm feeling, but it's something that I'm trying to give myself space for. It's also making it very important for me to spend time with family and share the grief and love that we feel even more.
Breaking up with Matt has been emotionally difficult and I am still working through all of my feelings. I am, however, coming to terms with the fact that he's always going to hold a special place in my heart and I'm always going to care about him, even when I'm trying to move on.
The loss of Ambrose has also been hard, especially on my other cat Barnaby. It makes me more thankful that I still have him to cuddle up next to and pet when I need a little comforting.
The immense amount of change that I've experienced over this summer and now after almost a full semester of college has been a lot to handle, but I'm thankful for the community I've started to build at AU and I know I'm starting to build my home here.
I am still dealing with a lot of personal issues and I'm not getting help right now which is something I know I'm going to need to make a priority once finals are over. I am a work in progress and will always be a work in progress. I'm so incredibly thankful for my entire support system, be it my immediate and extended family who never fail to comfort me and hold me up when I'm down, or my high school friends who are either right down the street or 3,000 miles away and who will always laugh and love with me, or my new family at AU who have brought me so many new experiences and continue to make me feel less alone in a place that is so easy to feel isolated.
I cannot truly express my gratitude for the people that surround me and help to make me who I am because without them I wouldn't be half the person I am.
Hello Kiran! Thank you for sharing this personal piece and being vulnerable here. It's hard to be vulnerable, but I feel that being able to be vulnerable says a lot about how strong and resilient you are.I believe in you Kiran, and your ability to seek help for yourself for the areas of your life in which you need it the most. I can relate to the pain of losing a loved one, an animal, having an ex, and having to move on though I still carry the heaviness of having to end those relationships or not being able to have them anymore.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I have learned from grief is that the sad reality is that it never becomes okay. When I say it never becomes okay, I mean that it never becomes okay that the person or animal is gone, and there will be times in your life when you will miss their existence more than ever. However, the carrying of their legacy and the cherishing of the memories you have with them are what you have. I wish you strength on your healing journey.
Thank you so much for your heartfelt message Alexis! I really appreciate them and I will definitely take your words to heart (:
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